Mind Journal : A journey to truly heal and strive for a better relationship with oneself…

“The most important relationship you have is the one you have with yourself.” – Diane Von Furstenberg

It was around the year 2004, my first serious relationship had gone down the drain, for lack of a better word, it had gone to complete and utter shit. The toll of the emotional pain had driven me to a point of self harm and self loathing. I took the end of that relationship as a way to punish myself for being not good enough, maybe if I was thinner, maybe if I was prettier. I pointed the finger all to myself, all the burden of failing this relationship was all my fault…

In the midst of this self-loathing journey, I heard Diane Von Furstenberg said this exact quote in an interview, “The most important relationship you have is the one you have with yourself…” I heard her say it, but I didn’t really understood or truly listened to what it is that she was saying. My hatred for my own self were much greater than my desire to learn and move forward with life.

Fast forward to January 2021, as I’m writing this, after choosing to be by myself all these times, I mean it, I have been single since 2004, I finally understood what her quote meant and I am ready to be in a committed relationship,

with my self…

I believe that being in a committed relationship requires one to be truly content with one self, in knowing who you truly are, and happy with you therefore not relying on the other person to give that happiness to you but rather, having the other person in your life is an added bonus to an already fulfilled life. This might sound idealistic, but I believe asking another human being to give you a sense of happiness and fulfilment that you haven’t attain on your own, on your own terms, sounds ridiculous to me. I tried the dating people here and there thing, but I continue to get disappointed because I am trying to fill the void within myself that I have not managed to fully fill on my own.

So moving forward in 2021, I am in fully committed relationship with myself. This relationship will requires me to always put both my mental and physical health as top priority. In order to live my life to the fullest, I need to maintain a positive mind and a healthy body. This relationship requires me to be kind to myself, be kind with my inner dialogue, choosing through kindness words I utter to myself and ultimately, communicate with myself better.

Most importantly, this relationship requires me to be content and be happy in my own company, to be truly fulfilled, to truly know who I am fully as an individual. I may not know where or what I want to be, there are plenty more chapters yet to be written ahead, but through this relationship, I want to find, ultimately, who I want to be, What kind of a person, a friend, a daughter I want to be for themes important people in my current life, in order to know what kind of life partner I want to be in my future relationship, and even what kind of mother I want to be for my future children perhaps, some day…

2021 is the year of finding my way in my life. Let this be the year I truly heal from the pain of my past. Let this be the year that I let go of the negative conversations I had with myself, in order to understand what disappointment and betrayal feels like. Let this be the year, I give up trying to find excuses so my past self feels better and my present to be okay with being stuck, instead of taking accountability for my own growth and happiness.

What are you committing to do for you in 2021?

-k.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s